Meditation

Stop everything! I found a life-changing hobby which I hope to turn to a way of life.
I don’t know much about it when I practice something I have to learn about it.
But first, let me tell you how it practically divided my life to before and after (Always wanted to say this dramatic sentence, so please read it in a very dramatic voice).

Let me introduce you to this app (works for Android, I don’t know about iPhone, but I bet there is a good equivalent))
It is pretty much meditation for beginners, this is a mindfulness type of meditation, known to help with anxiety, depression and such.
From my personal experience, first time I tried it a few weeks ago, was the first time since that whole cancer thing happened that I felt connected to my body again.
An explanation of what I mean to those who never felt detached from their body would be a long philosophical talk about “who am I”, am I my mind, am I my body, am I my thoughts, etc, Long story short, when I was feeling totally shitty during chemo, my mind was dancing, but my body refused to move, so we pretty much stopped being friends.

This is what I experience after meditating: I connect to my body, I calm my mind and clear it of negative thoughts, I calm anxiety and enlarge productivity, clear mind is better for catching muse, which is so important to me.

i used to be lazy and avoiding person before I started all this self-transformation to become a happy person. But yesterday I surprised myself when after work, with two bags I found myself going to the beach to meditate! I wanted to do it in the morning but never had a chance yet. I managed to snap some really ugly pictures, I will post at the bottom of the post.
Meditation was great, the sound of waves, people talking and laughing, the breeze and the warm-beginning-to-turn-to-cool sand.
When I turned my head around after meditation and notice an old dude butt naked changing clothes I didn’t even want to yell at him. Poor bastard probably though that he is invisible in the dark, or a tourist.

p.s looking for a free image host, anyone?

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Part one

TL;TR How I discovered I had breast cancer.

About a year ago, more or less, I found through Facebook two cousins of mine (brother and sister by the father). The sister lived in Canada and the brother in Israel not far from me, so we decided to meet up.
We had some beer and a really nice conversation about meaning and goal of life, and it was the first time I was asked if I am angry that I had cancer (back then I was just done with all the treatments).
Without hesitation, I said “no!”, even though it sucked (sucked doesn’t even begin to describe how horrible it was), I managed to overcome it and my fashion studio was born because of it.
even a kick in the ass is a step forward.

I discovered the lump myself and immediately made an appointment to see a doctor.
He sent me to a breast surgeon who sent me to get an ultrasound.
In the middle of the ultrasound, I was looking at the screen without understanding, but the technician thought I understood (fuck knows why) and said: “Yeah, it looks weird, but it doesn’t necessary means that it is”.

Slight panic. They told me to wait a bit and came back to tell me that since I was the last patient they have to to do a biopsy. (not suspicious at all..)
It felt as staples were going through my skin, the women there were really nice though. But after they were done I had a panic attack, not a long one, luckily.

I made another appointment first thing on Sunday morning I was going to see the breast surgeon who was supposed to reveal my future.
On Friday he calls me and asks why am I not coming (Here is was very peculiar, since why would he care if everything was ok?) My weekend was ruined and on Sunday morning I came a bit earlier before my scheduled time and he was already there.

I sat down, he shoved me a piece of paper, said: “You should go to the hospital breast specialists” and turned away to shuffle paper and avoid me.
I read the word carcinoma “Is that cancer?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
“You should just go to the hospital, they will explain it all to you”.
the conversation was going nowhere, so we got out (my girlfriend and I) and went downstairs to the secretary to get started with paper work for the hospital. “He said I am going to die?” I asked her, she told me no, and that we would do everything it takes to make me better.
I was never pleased with life and thought how much it would be better if I weren’t here, but out of nowhere I just instinctively  said: “I don’t want to day, I can’t!”

to be continued.. to hard to write about it.

My latest tattoo, just a friendly reminder that I am alive.