Allison in Wonderland

Meditation

Stop everything! I found a life-changing hobby which I hope to turn to a way of life.
I don’t know much about it when I practice something I have to learn about it.
But first, let me tell you how it practically divided my life to before and after (Always wanted to say this dramatic sentence, so please read it in a very dramatic voice).

Let me introduce you to this app (works for Android, I don’t know about iPhone, but I bet there is a good equivalent))
It is pretty much meditation for beginners, this is a mindfulness type of meditation, known to help with anxiety, depression and such.
From my personal experience, first time I tried it a few weeks ago, was the first time since that whole cancer thing happened that I felt connected to my body again.
An explanation of what I mean to those who never felt detached from their body would be a long philosophical talk about “who am I”, am I my mind, am I my body, am I my thoughts, etc, Long story short, when I was feeling totally shitty during chemo, my mind was dancing, but my body refused to move, so we pretty much stopped being friends.

This is what I experience after meditating: I connect to my body, I calm my mind and clear it of negative thoughts, I calm anxiety and enlarge productivity, clear mind is better for catching muse, which is so important to me.

i used to be lazy and avoiding person before I started all this self-transformation to become a happy person. But yesterday I surprised myself when after work, with two bags I found myself going to the beach to meditate! I wanted to do it in the morning but never had a chance yet. I managed to snap some really ugly pictures, I will post at the bottom of the post.
Meditation was great, the sound of waves, people talking and laughing, the breeze and the warm-beginning-to-turn-to-cool sand.
When I turned my head around after meditation and notice an old dude butt naked changing clothes I didn’t even want to yell at him. Poor bastard probably though that he is invisible in the dark, or a tourist.

p.s looking for a free image host, anyone?

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Part one

TL;TR How I discovered I had breast cancer.

About a year ago, more or less, I found through Facebook two cousins of mine (brother and sister by the father). The sister lived in Canada and the brother in Israel not far from me, so we decided to meet up.
We had some beer and a really nice conversation about meaning and goal of life, and it was the first time I was asked if I am angry that I had cancer (back then I was just done with all the treatments).
Without hesitation, I said “no!”, even though it sucked (sucked doesn’t even begin to describe how horrible it was), I managed to overcome it and my fashion studio was born because of it.
even a kick in the ass is a step forward.

I discovered the lump myself and immediately made an appointment to see a doctor.
He sent me to a breast surgeon who sent me to get an ultrasound.
In the middle of the ultrasound, I was looking at the screen without understanding, but the technician thought I understood (fuck knows why) and said: “Yeah, it looks weird, but it doesn’t necessary means that it is”.

Slight panic. They told me to wait a bit and came back to tell me that since I was the last patient they have to to do a biopsy. (not suspicious at all..)
It felt as staples were going through my skin, the women there were really nice though. But after they were done I had a panic attack, not a long one, luckily.

I made another appointment first thing on Sunday morning I was going to see the breast surgeon who was supposed to reveal my future.
On Friday he calls me and asks why am I not coming (Here is was very peculiar, since why would he care if everything was ok?) My weekend was ruined and on Sunday morning I came a bit earlier before my scheduled time and he was already there.

I sat down, he shoved me a piece of paper, said: “You should go to the hospital breast specialists” and turned away to shuffle paper and avoid me.
I read the word carcinoma “Is that cancer?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
“You should just go to the hospital, they will explain it all to you”.
the conversation was going nowhere, so we got out (my girlfriend and I) and went downstairs to the secretary to get started with paper work for the hospital. “He said I am going to die?” I asked her, she told me no, and that we would do everything it takes to make me better.
I was never pleased with life and thought how much it would be better if I weren’t here, but out of nowhere I just instinctively  said: “I don’t want to day, I can’t!”

to be continued.. to hard to write about it.

My latest tattoo, just a friendly reminder that I am alive.

Adopting new positive habits.

I am going to write in this post about some new habits I obtained in the last few month that helped me improve my life.
But first I am going to explain a little bit what brought me to do so, and then I will explain what the salad (in the picture) has to do with all of it.

In the beginning of 2015, right after I turned 30 the previous month I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The cancer was taken out by surgery. Then I had chemotherapy, biological treatment combined with chemotherapy and radiation therapy.
During and after chemo, my body (and mind) went through a lot, therefore I was prescribed medical marijuana which I still use. I still have side effects, such as pain all over my body (not always at the same time), some neurological fuck up that keeps me awake at night because it makes me feel like I am getting electrocuted. Sometimes it is hard for me to eat, sleep, exist, both mentally and physically.
Basically, it is a vicious cycle where I feel bad physically, it makes me feel bad mentally, which makes me feel even worse, etc. I will write about all of that some other time.

Anyway, I suddenly realized that my morning routines are, well, horrible, my days are not productive and I sink more and more into depression.

Wake up at whenever usually tried to do so before, 11 am. Rot in bed while checking out facebook, news site and such. Then crawl out of the room to go to the bathroom and shower (sometimes I would shower much later, before leaving the house). As some of you probably know brushing teeth while depressed can be as hard as climbing a mountain. So, sometimes I did and sometimes I didn’t. I would then go to the living room and drink coffee, straight on empty stomach and get a smoke from my medical weed (I really need this in the morning, but to do so on an empty stomach is bad and stupid). It took me forever to get ready because I sunk into the couch and into the depression while watching crime documentary and other nasty shit first thing in the morning. I don’t think I need to continue, you probably get the picture. And by the time I was ready to get out to the world and do the things I must do, I’d notice that I just wasted a great amount of time, energy, life, health on shit.

I realized that everything is up to me and started looking up for motivational videos to find out how to fix my life.
I learned that morning routine is a good start and started checking out different videos each was suggesting ideas for morning routines. (check out this guy for some good motivational videos)

Here some that I picked up, and now I do them almost every day.
1. Don’t check your social media and news for at least an hour after you wake up;
At that time we are still somewhere close to our subconscious, news and social media contain a lot of negativity that gets stuck in our brain for the whole day, setting our mind to feel negative.

2. Go straight to the shower and don’t forget to finish it with some cold water.
It helps us to wake and feel new, fresh and energetic. I also added for myself not to get out of the bathroom before I’m done with the shower, brushing teeth, fixing hair and applying makeup if I chose to do so that day.

3. Only after that and after I get dressed (or at least after I chose what I am going to wear that day) I go to the kitchen and drink a glass of water with some lemon juice, and another glass or two (or three) of just plain water. Also, I try to eat something small before I consume my coffee and have my medical smoke.

This is all for my morning routine at the moment, I tried to add more positive habits to it, but it is best to learn one or two, make them stick and then to move on to learning new things.

What about the salad? I just came home with a positive vibe, although yesterday wasn’t a good day, and today started kind of awkward. I decided not to dwell on it but do something positive and good for myself and ate some fresh veggies (cucumber, tomato, lettuce, onion, vegan spicey cheese, corn, himalayan salt, ground pepper mix, oil mix, lemon juice).

Oh, this is one of my five cats, guarding my salad. <3

First Post.

My ultimate goal in starting a blog is becoming a happy, productive, self-confident unicorn being.

I thought that after being through some hard things in my life I started losing it. Turned out that I already lost it ages ago.
I signed into an old twitter account to clean it and start a new one, where I found my tweets from over 6 years ago, things like “How to be happier?” “Why life is so confusing”.

But reasons don’t matter now, what matters is how I get myself up and become what  I want to be; which I don’t know yet.
In my search for happiness, I recently found out that people who take pictures of their lives constantly are happier. So next time you get annoyed by another photo of a fancy coffee cup or delicious looking sushi uploaded by your friend, think; maybe you are just jealous?

This blog is going to be my journey to happiness, and like any other person who thinks that the sun shines out of their ass, I hope I can inspire other people on a similar journey.